doo dee doo dee derp

I don't really have anything intelligent to say. I don't know if in such a case I should just not write a blog entry or what...but I guess my OCD kind of wants to do this Blogtober 'properly' so here goes.

I was going to go out and actually go somewhere else today but I suddenly lost all motivation and reason to do so after I woke up. So after blobbing on the couch again, I just went out to walk around town. I bought some random stuff, then some stuff for my Halloween costume and then a treat for myself. Or rather than a treat, it's probably 100% stress eating. I hope that'll stop once I change schools, too.

Exercising and all isn't really a stress outlet for me. It's something I need to do to stay healthy. It's a chore. I've come to not dislike it as much but yeah it is not really enough to be a stress outlet. Screaming, destroying things, hurting myself... been through all of that, too. Didn't really help. Eating doesn't really help either in the long run but it more or less does SOMETHING in the short-term...and then leads to more stressing over health and all of that later. Haha. Ugh.

Writing also used to be an outlet but with the stress right now, it just doesn't help. My therapist says that there is only one solution here and that is for the source of the stress to disappear. Well, I unfortunately don't have much of a say in that. I do however have a countdown. 4 more. 4 more shitty weekends.

Don't get me wrong, I don't just blame the kids for this whole situation. I blame myself and try to find the flaws in myself all the same. Would those kids be better if I were a better teacher? Is there something I am not thinking of? Is there a way out of this that I am not seeing? And then we go down the "I am a shitty teacher. I can't do this. I am doing everything wrong. Everyone is better at teaching kids than I am. What am I doing. I hate myself." And then I get angry but then than anger and frustration turn back into self doubt and then... rinse and repeat.

Something that also didn't help was that none of the jobs I applied for got back to me. NONE. That also didn't help my lack of self-worth. Back when I was first trying to find a job after graduation I wrote close to 700 job applications and nothing came out of them.

Now I wrote about 10 and nothing, absolutely NOTHING came back. Not even a rejection. WTF. I guess I am not worth people's time. I am useless at anything else but this job I have right now.

...crap no let's not go down that path...

Ok change of topic, change of topic.

Oh, I don't know if I wrote about this before but I dyed my hair a few months back. During obon vacation. For the first time in my life I dyed all of my hair. I have blonde highlights right now and my hair is brown. I told my stylist that it had to be 'okay for work' so it had to look natural and all that.

So far, I've been able to get away with it and actually many people have been telling me it looks good.

Aight. Enough for today. See you tomorrow.