zero motivation

I honestly have no idea how I dragged myself through today and accomplished what I did in fact accomplish... maybe out of a sense of duty, maybe because of some degree of automatism.

But this past week has been draining. I was working 7 lesson days and adding the almost 3 hour commute (1.5 hours one way) and me not feeling very well physically... yeah it's been a week. I'm most likely getting over-time pay... not much but hey better than nothing.

So yeah I have zero motivation to do...stuff. I want to be healthier and do some kind of exercise again - I really need to because my stamina is really shit now - but I just...have no energy to do things and now that I'm kinda coming down with something I just don't dare to do exercise just in case something happens and I'd be alone when it does (see my post about having a heart attack).

On a positive note, whatever it is that got into my system is getting better and not worse (fingers crossed). I think it's just exhaustion coupled with... the frustration of having to work Sundays and that getting in the way of a lot of my plans. I'm going to talk to work about the 6th next month to figure something out. It should be in the realm of possibilities. So I think if I can work that out, my mental state will also be slightly better because I'll have something to look forward to.

Well, aside from the 29th. But to be fair, as much as I'm looking forward to the 29th I am also anxious about it. How many people will show up? Will we be doomed to online-streaming after all because the numbers in Tokyo and nation wide are rising again? Will all of them be okay? Will all of us be okay?

It's a spiral of anxiety. So... I'm going to take my mind off of things for a bit hopefully tomorrow. I have to run an errand, so that will get me out of the house for a bit. And then I'm just going to do nothing. Relax, take a nap, eat good food. But no big obligations or adulting for the most part (except laundry).

There's stuff I -want- to do but again, zero motivation.

Hopefully my yaruki will deru at some point but until then...I'm going to blob.

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