realizations?

There's been a lot of thinking going on on my end. About life, about myself and about sexuality. With all the work that's been done in more recent years, with all the information now readily available on the internet, I've been able to look back at life and have come to a few realizations.

It's going to sound like that typical "I have always been that weird kid that never fit in..." story but that's really how it feels like. And it's really odd how... timed things were.

When I was really young, until around elementary school, I was very, very girly. I loved wearing princess dresses, I loved pink, I had long hair. I did ballet, I got into horseback riding because I adored horses and unicorns and I played with Barbie dolls and I really loved Sailor Moon.

Some of those things have not changed to this day but there was a big shift when I started secondary school and then when the hormones and beginnings of puberty started to kick in.

It was as they say, that you sometimes started to feel like you did not belong onto this body. That you find yourself unsatisfied with who and what you are. And I changed a lot. I gained a lot of weight all of a sudden - inexplicably, I really don't remember how it happened, it just did (then again that was around the time when I had trouble with schizophrenia, so memories are vague at best because... uh yeah).

Until now I'd never really put things from back then into words but I guess now I can. Although it's not as strong as with other people maybe and I've possibly simply stopped caring lol but ... I guess it's kind of safe to say that I consider myself as non-binary. Officially and just for the sake of simplicity and all that I'll still identify as "female" but just for myself, for me as me... I guess I'm neither nor.

And maybe my definition of 'non-binary' isn't the same as for other people. For me it's just that I just feel how I do not fit into the 'stereotypical categories' of either gender? Like...I guess after years and years and years of being conditioned into this binary system, it is hard to break out of it, out of thinking in a certain way. Like... I still think that I'm "girly" and "feminine" in some ways but also "boyish" and "masculine" in other ways. And just all those things together make up who I am?

It's complicated but it actually felt pretty good and comfortable to settle into that realization?

There was also the following 'incident' recently in one of my classes.

Some of my kids students started to ask me whether I was a man or a woman. For whatever reason (I guess their 'gender norms' were confused by how I look/dress?? or whatever). So I suddenly had a bunch of little kids haggling me about gender. I was just going to tell them "I'm a girl" for the sake of 1. shutting them up and 2. not causing any trouble with their parents and work and whatever else. But then suddenly one girl who had kept quiet the whole time spoke up. Or rather HOLLERED at the rest of the group angrily: "Kira-sensei is Kira-sensei. And you shouldn't care about anything else but that!! That's none of your business!"

And seriously, that kid deserves an award. She's still really young so I wonder where that kind of sentiment comes from? If it comes from her family, a million and one kudos and applause. You're raising a wonderful human being. There should be more people like you. I wish that girl all the best in life. You're a great person, I wish many good things happen to you.

(On the other hand I have a bunch of shitty kids and... some homophobic?? co-workers to deal with at the new place right now but... that's a story for another entry...maybe)

Another thing is that it felt good to come to terms with other aspects of sexuality. Most of my life I 'labelled' myself as 'bisexual' but as other sexualities and genders exist, that term is not very accurate. I stick with 'no preference' I guess. Or pansexual if you will it?

Then...I consider myself asexual but not aromantic. I'd still be really cool with a platonic relationship. I like cuddling and physical contact but I don't really want anything beyond that. And I have also voiced on multiple occasions that I do not want my own children. The latter is something that's probably still hard for my family to stomach but well, they'll get over it at some point. My parents are older people, their views and understanding of the world and society are a little old and outdated in some aspects. But they'll be okay. They have a granddaughter to fawn over so it's all good (though I bet coming from the huge families they both come from it's weird ;p but sorry...that's just how it is... seriously, I have 22 cousins... that's just crazy).

So yeah... that's what I've been realizing and coming to terms with? If you want to put it like that. Nothing super interesting but I thought I'd put it down here.