no light without shadows

Another post inspired by a conversation I had with Pippa on her blog recently about how we tend to feel obliged to talk about positive and fun things only when we're with friends because "friends aren't therapists" and how that's kind of an unspoken rule for """social gatherings""" (remember those? yeah me neither). And thinking about those words got me, well, thinking lol (I can't English, forgive me)

I would have to say both, do and don't for this.

People who know me will probably be able to tell. I vent to friends a lot. Maybe because it's always been easier for me to talk to friends rather than family. I had no one else but my friends for a lot of the stuff that went on in my life. I confided in my sister a lot (and my sister is probably the only one in the family who REALLY knows I'm not completely straight) but she doesn't know everything. After all she was one of the reasons why I felt pressured etc. in the first place but uh yeah anyway.

What do you think about this unwritten rule?

Personally, I might be a bit of a hypocrite? Although that might be the wrong word. I am terrible at listening but I am always willing to listen. However, I am super, super HORRIBLE ABYSMAL OMG NO at finding the right words to say to people. I can provide a shoulder to cry on, to lean on and I will definitely listen and understand and accept, though.

I... try to give comforting or encouraging words to people but I feel like everything that leaves my lips at those times just sounds like a load of BS because an "it's easy for me to say"... kind of thing?

Maybe it's because I don't know how to fix my own emotions and all that that I'm incapable of doing it for others...? I wonder.

As for the other way around, I appreciate having someone who listens and understands. I personally don't need people so say something in return or give any reaction really but talking and letting it out and having someone there with me is good (if the other person is so inclined, I'll also appreciate a hug but not necessarily in many cases also right now... no hugs I guess).

Another thing I wanted to talk about regarding this matter is that I have confided in someone who is not a friend per se... my oshi, Yuma.

Most of the time, there seems to be the same unwritten rule in fandom that when you meet or talk to your oshi, you should be positive and smiling and only talk about good things. Same for letters. Or at least, that's how it was in JE fandom and people were very adamant about it. Like, keeping things on the 建前 side and keeping the 本音 to yourself.

It's not the same in my current fandom. Things are more open and honest here. People are closer and the guys are, for the lack of a better expression, more human.

Of course there are certain rules in this fandom as well but they are nowhere as strict as in other fandoms.

So... with no one else to talk to during a time when I was slowly sinking into the darkness of depression, I talked to Yuma. To be very very honest here, it wasn't me who started to talk about it first but him. It was very surprising, maybe outright shocking almost, but very welcome.

Initially, I had tried to keep our conversation on a happy topic. We talked about our families, about going to a certain place in Japan and having a good time there. The happy talk that you'd think would be the 'norm'. But then Yuma changed the topic. He looked at me and asked me whether I was okay because he said I don't really look like myself/don't look well and there seems to be something weighing me down.

It's amazing, maybe even frightening, how well some of the guys know me by now - although it's mutual.

And so I was honest with Yuma and told him about what was going on and what was bothering me and all that. I didn't go too much into detail but it was enough for him to understand the situation. And he helped me through it all. It's maybe a bit conceited or haughty to say but rather than having an oshi-fan relationship, we might genuinely be closer to being friends. Like, actual friends.

Skeptical voices in my head sometimes throw 'host club host club' at me accusingly (whee voices in my head) but I think it's different than that, although there are a few parallels of course.

The similarities are of course that I pay money for a lot of this (not all of it, though!)... and he does a lot of the stuff a host would do.

The differences are the level of involvement. It's hard to describe but being more active and involved in the shadows distinguishes it from the 'host club' experience. Like, if this were like a host club thing, I would be involved in the management and organization etc. of the host club at the same time as also being a paying customer. Which I mean would be possible but somehow very unlikely lol

Oh yeah and there's usually no alcohol involved ;p

Then, I also remember what my former co-worker J and I used to say about our own jobs. We're teachers but we're also kind of like hosts, entertaining students for money. So... I guess that's just how life goes?

Maybe it's like retail therapy (no it most definitely is retail therapy)

And okay I think I've lost my train of thought, so let's stop here for now.