thinking thoughts

I...guess I am doing pretty okay with this blogging once a month thing so far? Let's see for how much longer lol I mean, it's not like I do not have things to say, it's just that I have no mojo to write these days.

Some of you (who am I kidding, there's only one person reading this anyway lol you know who you are) might know that my current school is...pretty shit, to put it bluntly. BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will be going back to being a regular teacher for the time being from November.

It was a hard decision to make but I am doing it for health reasons. Health goes first.

And seriously, the doctor saw me coming into the room today and he immediately said "too much stress, huh". It wasn't even a question. He could just tell. I mean, at this point he knows me pretty well. I see this guy for several hours every month. I am so glad I found a good doctor who takes care of me. I think with him helping me, I might actually be able to get a grip of things once...work settles down again. I was set back by all the shit that's been going on but I have to keep moving forward again.

Part of the stress, ok no, the majority of the stress is coming from ALL THESE KIDS. I've always had a fairly balanced schedule at my previous schools (and I've been to like 25 or so up until now!), so it's never been an issue but holy crap. Teaching 95 kids every week is driving me nuts. I'm sorry. I can count my adult classes per week on ONE HAND. Which means during "no kids classes week" I have like NOTHING to do... like tomorrow I'm taking 2 classes from my co-worker but that puts me at 3 classes for the whole day. I know it's "not good" to complain about free time but (it's so boring...help).

I know I will sound like an absolute asshole here but this school is teaching me again why I hate kids. Ok, I don't hate them (not all of them, more on that later) but at least dislike them. And why I do not want kids of my own. I just can't deal with them. I'm not made for little kids. At least not for exposure to them for an extended period of time. The reason why I like my job is because I can give kids back after a set time. The reason why I love my friends' or family's kids is because I don't have to be with them forever, I am not their primary caregiver and most importantly, I am not the one responsible for their education and development. At least not mainly.

Because...I am pretty f-ed up and I don't think I'd be able to raise good kids. This sounds selfish but... if you have to deal with so much stuff yourself, you can't also deal with the shit of others... I guess.

Maybe it's also the lack of the 'maternal instincts' that comes with my lack of gender identity? It's become clear to me that part of the aversion is also because I don't identify as 'female' and thus do not have the desire to fill the role of a 'mother'. On top of that, being ACE means I don't want to reproduce either.

So yeah...hating kids. And being afraid of screwing your kid up forever.

I am having to deal with some kids who're just... out of this world. Like, I wouldn't have said that I hated kids before encountering them. And...really. In my long career as a teacher, I have not had a child BITE ME. This kid just...has a problem. He was screaming bloody murder the first time I had to deal with him.  He's kicked, hit and then bitten me on multiple other occasions since. And I'm just scared he'll hurt one of his classmates one of these days. He came pretty close already. My other students are scared of him.

Another kid just... has personality issues. His personality is seriously shit! He never thinks that he did something wrong and always blames others for things. I really hope someone talks sense into him sometime soon because if he grows up just like that, he'll become a terrible person.

Things I've been thinking about that are not completely work related... are more related to family.

Again, you might have seen that one of my uncles is dying of cancer. And as thing stand, almost none of the other family members can go and be with him in his last few days. Weeks. Maybe months, if we're lucky. It's just really...sad. His wife also has cancer and is going to have a surgery soon. Fingers crossed for that one, too. It should be routine and everything but with the current state of the medical system?

Needless to say, my cousin is in SHOCK. I wish her strength.

But yeah that whole thing and a few other things have had my family talk about topics such as inheritance and wills again. Thanks to my parents' good planning, I think I will not have to worry about my future too much. I can do what I want to do, which is to live and work here in Japan. My life is here. I have nothing to go back to back home. I only have my family back home.

And I want to be with my family - as long as my parents are still around - and I hope that I will be able to do so again soon. Going for so long without physical contact with my family is getting harder. Maybe it's because there just hasn't been a lot of physical contact in general. Or maybe it's just the simple thought that it's almost impossible to go and see them right now. Another stress factor.

But! I've come to terms with a lot of stuff, too. I was talking to a friend and we were saying how the whole pandemic has given us time to think about things, to sort things out and yeah it's not been all bad. Although the bad still outweighs the good for the most part but that's life.