old wounds

How is it March already?

[I started writing this at the beginning of March but now March is already more than half over wtf]

Time is a really weird concept and has been a really weird concept this past year. I can't believe that it's been over a year since this whole mess started. It feels so much longer.

Sigh... anyways, despite the title, this entry is not going to be entirely sad/frustrated. There are happy bits.

But the negative shit first.

I'm pretty sure it is pandemic brain but I had a minor argument/fight with my mother about, well, the future. I guess it connects a little bit to my last blog entry and Tiff did ask about whether I had thought about moving back home to be with my parents. I was planning to reply to the comment but I guess due to recent events, it will get its own entry instead.

Pre Pandemic: My parents knew I was happy where I am now and accepted that, did not talk about wanting me to come home. Parents also kind of accepted that I was not gonna give them any grand kids. My mother low key suspects I'm not 100% straight (my sister knows for sure I'm bi)...

Now: My mum was bringing up the option of me going back home. Permanently. But when I asked her what I should do back home especially now that the pandemic has killed even more jobs than before, she got a bit more thoughtful about that. I have a job here that pays after all. They think it doesn't pay enough but really... it could be worse. And let's face it, I'm never going to be as good as big sis. Yay inferiority complex 1000000%. Also my mother was going on about how I could still have kids but I should try and do it before I turn 40 (clock is ticking, ha ha ha) because it would be hard if I did wait that long - since my sister did that and things were a bit rough to say the least. I outright told her I that I don't really want kids of my own... like have kids. I'd be find adopting to be honest but meh. Also I'm single. And you know with every year, maybe even every day that passes ... I get more and more used to being single. And it's not bad? I don't know. I mean...I'd love hugs and cuddles or kisses but I don't really fancy a real relationship per se? Something platonic would be nice...? idk

That's how much I think about those things lol

I also got a little less subtle re: kids and said that even if I found someone to be in a relationship with... I might not have the option to give them 100% biological grand kids... (y'know if neither of us has the other uh 'correct reproductive organ' to make kids)

So ugh things have been a bit of a mess.

I am also pulling my hairs out because of some bank issues but that's just adulting. Adulting sucks.

Health... is eh. Body is being a bitch as usual...but what can you do but live with it. I've been trying. I've been getting frustrated and fed up but all I can do is to keep trying. And the cycle repeats. (Sorry I'm super hormonal this period... my body is doing EVEN MORE stupid things and just... can I just be done?)

I promised there to be happy bits... to be frank, I kind of forgot about what those were by this point because I kept putting this blog post off due to...reasons. But I'll try.

Finding some new online friends and trying to talk to people has been fun and nice. I've now joined a live talk with some Japanese fangirls a few times and the second time around was a really good and interesting discussion about one of the Thai BL dramas we all watched (Manner of Death, please check it out, it's great! Murder mystery with a side of BL). Hopefully, once the whole pandemic is over and gatherings are allowed and safe again, we can meet in person and chat.

Thanks to poking my head into the fandom, I suddenly tripled my follower count on my Japanese twitter (or open twitter account). It's been a little weird but ... fingers crossed nothing bad happens.

*with great power comes great responsibility*

Okay. Gotta end this here.

It's Friday and for the first time in a LONG TIME I am SO EXCITED because we actually get Saturday off this week because of national holiday. No one else but the people who work in my company are probably excited for this but... hey, we lose ALL the Monday holidays in return so... let us be happy.