body, body in the mirror - wait, I think that's not how it went

Not the most pleasant topic today but yeah let's talk about our bodies. Or well, I'll talk about my body I guess and we'll see what happens in the comments.

Also I'll let you know that just writing the word 'body' right now set off a song from work in my head and it's gonna be stuck there for this entire entry... (My body, my body, it's fun to move my body, my body, my body can you dance with me? - for those who know it, SORRY... not sorry.)

So, as I mentioned in one of the previous entries, I was a skinny child. I was skinny until sometime during elementary school (y'know when the whole 'your grades are terrible, why?' thing happened)... it was then that I started to gain weight. My body was changing and my psyche was taking a hit and the combination just uh sort a exploded, I guess. On top of that I got injured and had to wear a cast and I had to stop all exercise and sports for several months because of it so... yay!

Classical case of an unfortunate chain of events. I guess.

I gained lots of weight...not all at once but it just started from then. And I just lost almost all motivation to do exercise or be active and social and what not. Looking back at it now, I can see the destructive potential behind the mental health issues that had started to develop then. I got injured a lot, maybe subconsciously, I wanted to hurt myself. First it was self-harm and then it developed into suicidal thoughts. Huh.

Fun fact, I have hurt every single joint in my body, well, minus some of the finger and toe ones but not minus all of them. The doctor at the ER (who's one of my uncles) would come into the waiting room and go "WTF you -AGAIN-???" lol yeah sorry. Though most of the times he was doing it with a smile. Once, after a bigger accident, he looked pretty serious (though I don't really remember much of that because at that point my adrenaline wore off and I blacked out).

Bing injured that much/frequently of course meant I was out of commission for exercise again, which meant I gained more weight.

By the time I finally got help, I was pretty damn overweight. But then I started to lose weight again. But as you all know, losing weight is far more difficult than gaining it. I'm still trying to somewhat lose weight but overall I have sort of come to terms with things.

I don't need to be skinny, I just want to be healthy.

This kind of thinking was easy and encouraged back home because there are so many people with different body types around and people are more body positive I think. Here in Japan, though, it's really damn hard because Japan has these outdated standards for body types and with that BMI etc.

By Japanese standards, I am obese. And that word just... kills me a bit. I don't think of myself as being that fat. Yes I should lose weight because I have a spare tire around the waist but I'm not THAT big? Or am I wrong? I don't even know anymore.

What do you guys think?

Again with many things, I yo-yo on this issue and go between "omg I hate my body" to "no, I'm fine the way I am".